Not Her Cooking!
by Amplifyingly Loud
Summary: Ichigo and Orihime are getting married.Orihime insists on cooking for the Kurosaki family. Sadly,Karin and Yuzu have to endure in silence.From Karin and Yuzu POV. Beware of Orihime's cooking.Chapter 9 Up! COMPLETED! Thanks to anyone who read and reviewed!
1. Chapter 1 Trying but not succeeding

Summary: Ichigo and Orihime are getting married. Orihime constantly tries to cook for the Kurosaki family, and usually does. Karin and Yuzu's POV. Karin and Yuzu end up eating the unusual food Orihime makes. Trying very hard to make this as funny as I can. I apologize if any of the characters seem OOC. Takes place in my fantasies. jk. After the winter war. MY FIRST FANFIC!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Bleach. But if I did I would kill off aizen and gin.

A/N: I support ichiruki so don't kill me! I just had this idea. But I don't support ichihime. Don't kill me if you don't like me. .

Chapter 1: Trying but not succeeding.

Karin's POV

Okay so my bro is like 25 now. He decided he would marry Orihime but as far as I knew I wanted to stay far away from her. I heard about her cooking what it could do. And I'm extremely scared. Not just for me but for Ichigo. Suddenly I heard a screeching voice coming from downstairs.

"Kurosaki-kuuuuuuun! Where are you?"

Not her! No! Please! I quickly grabbed my soccer ball and tried to run away.

"Karin-chaaaaan! Where's Kurosaki-kun?" she asked.

"Ummm…I don't know…" I mumbled.

"Do you want to help me make dinner tonight?"

I swear I could see an evil gleam in her eye.

"Noooo. I'm good. Gotta practice."

"Come on you gotta help me," she whined.

What did my brother see in her? (A/N: poor Karin…sorry for making you suffer DX)

"I'm making my famous Watermelon Stew! Doesn't that sound yummy?"

I twitched. Where was Yuzu? Usually she'd offer to make dinner, making Orihime back down.

"uhhhh…gotta go! I need to practice!"

She grabbed my arm. She's got some muscle there. I could see myself now, me in the hospital Orihime trying to feed me something green and purple at the same time. Then, me as a ghost, watching my own funeral. I shuddered at the thought. Dad you are stupid. STUPID!

I saw myself in the kitchen. So much for my escape. And my stomach. I sighed.

"Now we begin with the watermelons. Chop them up would you?"

I grudgingly held the knife and started cutting it up. I looked over to what she was doing. I stopped myself, not wanting to know what she was doing.

"I'm done! Can I please leave yet?"

"Nope! Go and chop up the squid!"

What? Squid! No, please. Dear God, I will do ANYTHING to get out of this hellhole! And the cooking _prodigy, _(note the sarcasm). I finished, trying to get out as soon as I could. I put the knife down and silently walked towards the door. Then brief shouting was heard.

"Karin-chan! Please stir the soup while I add more ingredients," she said.

Good-bye cruel world. I went to the soup. It was purple and I think the squid was turning blue. The smell was horrible. I began stirring, hoping some other distraction would stop her from finishing the "stew". I quickly grabbed the phone and called Yuzu.

"Go set the table Karin-chan. I'll call up everyone over for dinner!"

My stomach turned.

Yuzu POV

I was out shopping for more food expecting to make dinner. My phone began ringing.

"Hello?"

"Yuzu! Help! Orihime's cooking tonight. Can you rush home and stop her?" Karin asked.

She sounded desperate.

"Did she finish making the food? I can't make more food if she's finished," I responded.

I think I heard her gulp. Through the phone I heard, "Go set the table Karin-chan. I'll call up everyone over for dinner!"

"Sorry Karin. I've got to go. Bye!"

Dinner is finished, I guess. I walked towards the "Urahara Candy Shop".

*~ TIME SKIP ~*

Karin POV

Everyone was at the dinner table. It was very quiet. The only thing heard was the bubbling of the food. I paled, and so did Yuzu. Ichigo was very, very quiet. Damn it! I couldn't stop her! Dad was being stupid as usual, praising her cooking. Stupid, stupid dad. Too bad I don't have a dog. But if I had a dog, I would feed it the food, but that would be animal cruelty. It would probably die. 

As we ate, we all turned green. I got to the bathroom first (thank you!) and barfed. Next was Yuzu, then Dad. Only person oblivious to the horrible cooking: Orihime.

Later that night, I couldn't sleep at all. I think there was squid moving in my stomach. I don't think Yuzu could sleep either. Well good night! (not)

Pig-chan (me): umm…sorry if anyone seems ooc. And tortured. But I assure you it gets better, I think. It's not planned out so it might take a while. It's my first fanfic. I apologize if it's short. And if I suck. And about my ranting. Review!

Jac-chan (my sis): STOP TALKING ALREADY! Boo! Nee-chan wrote about orihime! (dislikes orihime cuz of her uselessness)

Pig-chan: gomen, gomen! (gets beaten up by jac-chan)

Jac-chan: Sayonara! Review! (continues beating up pig-chan)


	2. Chapter 2 It's Normal, Right? Wrong!

Chapter 2: It's Normal, Right? Wrong!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Or Kamichama Karin. They belong to their respective owners.

Pig-chan: Well, I got one review so far, yay! *does Carmelldansen*

Jac-chan: No, WE got a review! *hits Pig-chan*

Pig-chan: Stop! Okay, fine! We got a review! Happy?

Jac-chan: Yes. Thanks StarPrincess999 for reviewing! :D Now on with the story!

Pig-chan: Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that here Karin and Yuzu are in high school or something. We apologize if there is any OOCness or bashing. READ!*both begin dancing the Carmelldansen*

Karin POV

I just came home from soccer practice. I wasn't expecting Orihime to be there. Or what she would do to me and Yuzu. I don't think it could have gotten worse.

"Karin-chan! Yuzu-chan! Can you try this out for me?" Orihime asked.

I stand corrected. That would make it worse. Wait. I thought she was supposed to be out shopping for things. I dunno, food that ends up as stomach bombs. Or clothes for the wedding. I sweat-dropped.

"Sure…" Yuzu said.

Orihime handed us two glasses. It looked like tea. The ice-cold kind, not the hot ones. I slowly took a sip. The last thing I remember is Yuzu saying something about the drink.

Normal POV

Karin and Yuzu took one sip of the drink, thinking it was tea. They were wrong.

"Hey…what you put in it," Karin slurred.

"My stomach tickles," Yuzu said.

They both giggled. Orihime looked pleased and continued drinking from hers.

"Isn't it good?" she asked.

Karin and Yuzu looked at each other and burst into laughter. They were grinning ear to ear. Ichigo entered the kitchen.

"Yuzu? Karin? Are you two okay?" he asked.

"Yep…" Karin said.

"Never better," Yuzu finished.

They continued giggling. Ichigo saw they were holding two cups that were filled with tea.

"Are you two drunk?" he asked.

"Maybe…" they said.

"Hey! Hey! I saw this one kid and he had white hair! He was like ' I'm not a grade schooler'," Karin laughed. "He was too a grade schooler."

"I found Bostov in Ichigo's room while I was cleaning. Hahahaha! Ichigo plays with dollies," Yuzu yelled.

Ichigo turned to Orihime. "Did you make the drink, Orihime?"

She nodded. "It tastes good, would you like some Kurosaki-kun?"

"No." he answered immediately.

Karin and Yuzu stood up and started dancing. They danced the "Carmelldansen". Eventually, they collapsed, stood up, and danced again.

Rukia rushed down. She pulled our her camcorder and started recording them. "This will be great!" After she finished recording, she ran back upstairs into Ichigo's closet, saying "This will kill them when they see this!"

Ichigo facepalmed. He turned to Orihime and asked "What did you put in the drinks?" He sounded furious.

"Well…I put in apple juice, peanut butter, cinnamon, butternut squash, watermelons, durian*, and pineapple juice."

"You WHAT?"

"Oh! I think I also put in coconut juice, honey, cheese, gravy, and vinegar. Why do you ask?"

Ichigo smashed his head through the wall. "I think you made them drunk."

"Oopsies. Well it tastes good. Would you like some Kurosaki-kun? I made extra, just in case they wanted more or if you wanted some."

Ichigo made two more holes in the wall.

"Help me lead them to their room. They might have a hangover like drunks. Considering they ARE drunk."

He grabbed Karin's wrist and slowly led her up the stairs.

"ICHIGOOOOOOO! Do you know Toshiro? He's a grade schooler! He's just like you! He's got a sword and everything!" Karin slurred.

"Wooooooooooaaaaaaah!"

Karin tripped. The juice she was holding flew onto Ichigo's face, juice going into his mouth. His eyes widened, he collapsed. He sat right back up and just sat there. Drool was dripping out of his mouth.

(A/N / Pig-chan: Hot, right? Yeah, I totally love ichigo and toshiro. Jac-chan doesn't though.)

"Bostov, where are YOUUUUUUUU?" Yuzu yelled. "Ne, Karin? Did I give him away to that one kid?"

"What kid? Do you mean Toshiro? Or that one kid from…" Karin stopped and began drooling.

"I mean that one kid!" Yuzu was now pointing at the fly above her. Then she, too, was drooling.

"I like pretty cheeses…" Ichigo stated. Then he pointed at Orihime. "You! Do you hate me?*" He went back to drooling, leaving Orihime thinking about what she should make for dinner.

Yuzu, Karin, and Ichigo were all drunk. Orihime just sat there, happily drinking the unusual concoction. Rukia could be heard near the drunk trio. Cackling like a maniac. Recording the famous substitute shinigami as a drunk.

~*TIME SKIP (about 5 hours later)*~

Karin POV

My head hurts. I blacked out right after drinking the tea. What's weird about it was that I could see myself being drunk, and hearing what I said about Toshiro.

Yuzu POV

My head really hurt. I don't think I want to go through that again. I promised I won't drink alcohol, but I wonder if that's what a hangover was.

Ichigo POV

My head hurts. I didn't remember anything after Karin tripped. Rukia showed us (Karin, Yuzu, and me) the video of us drunk. Wow. I will never drink alcohol. Maybe.

Normal POV

At dinner, Orihime opted to make dinner. No one complained because they were all suffering from headaches. Even Isshin (let's just say he had a bad day *grins evilly*). She made something almost normal.

~*TIME SKIP (after dinner)*~

Karin POV

I think that the Kurosaki family will never eat normal food again, unless Yuzu cooks. She couldn't today because she said she had a bad headache. Do you think that means that we'll have to constantly eat that **woman's** toxic waste- I mean food. Well good-night! (not)

*The asterisks*

Pig-chan: this was really hard to write cuz I used a lot of asterisks. When they encased something it was an action.

Durian*: a very stinky, spikey fruit grown in southeast asia. Considered king of fruits. Jac-chan loves it, Pig-chan hates it (it stinks. For more info go to Wikipedia).

You! Do you hate me?*: I think it was something kazune said to Karin when he was drunk (kamichama Karin episode 20).

Pig-chan: That was a lot of typing. So many references.

Jac-chan: We will take any suggestions.

Pig-chan: If you have any food for torture please send! Also, try to keep it unperverted. Jac-chan and my minds are too innocent for it. Well, maybe mildly perverted…

Jac-chan: Shut up already! Don't forget to review! Hit that box that says 'review'

Pig-chan: BYE BYE!


	3. Chapter 3 School Lunch Hallucination

Chapter 3: School Lunch Hallucination

Disclaimer: I friggin' hate this. WE DON"T OWN BLEACH OR OURAN! They belong to their awesome creators Tite Kubo and Bisco Hatori. Btw this is not a crossover fanfic.

Pig-chan: Welcome back to "Not Her Cooking!" where we torture- I mean describe Orihime's cooking.

Jac-chan: If you send any requests for unusual foods please follow the guide:

Food:

Effects/side effects:

What is in it:

Pig-chan: We thank anyone who reads our story. Please review! Or I might not continue *grumbles to self*

Jac-chan: SHUT UP ALREADY! Nee-chan talks too much!

Pig-chan: On with the story!

Karin POV

I dashed out of my room. I had my backpack, homework done, my uniform on, and now I just needed my lunch. When I entered the kitchen, **the host club was waiting for me*.** (A/N /Pig-chan: I just had to do that. I've been watching some Ouran High School Host Club so I felt the need to put it in there. '^^ *gets whacked in the head by Jac-chan*.)

When I entered the kitchen, I saw two bagged lunches with Yuzu's and my name on them. I assumed Yuzu made them because she would normally put our names on them. I grabbed my lunch, then sat down for breakfast.

It was my first normal meal since Orihime decided she would cook for us. Until I got the milk out. The milk was past it's expiration date for over a week. I think either Yuzu forgot to buy more, or *in dark tone* that **woman** was going to use it for something.

Yuzu came down and began her breakfast, without the milk. We quickly rushed out the door saying "itekimasu!*.

Yuzu POV

I don't remember making lunch for us. Oh well, it has to be eaten. You can't just waste food.

Normal POV

Karin and Yuzu had the shared the same class. They sat right next to each other, so that they could pass notes when they were bored. Karin spent most of her time either looking out the window, or talking with her closest friends. (A/N /Jac-chan: Has anyone seen Pig onee-chan?). Yuzu spent her time taking notes, talking with Karin, or whatever Yuzus do.

~* TIME SKIP (lunch period)*~

Normal POV

Karin and Yuzu opened their lunches. What they had were: riceballs, and apple covered in green something, and a juice box (somehow filled with the 'tea' from last chapter).

A girl walked over to them. She looked like your typical Asian (not to sound racist) with shoulder –length black hair, big brown eyes, and she was short. She wore glasses.

"Can I join you guys?"

They nodded. Karin was slightly suspicious of the girl, she had not seen her ever in her life. Yuzu was happy to have more company. The girl looked at them.

"Karin and Yuzu, right? Nice to meet you! I'm Liz, temporary transfer student, but you can call me Pig-chan!" (A/N /Jac-chan: Found one-chan. *sweat-drops*).

"I think you should try this before you eat _**that**_," she said distastefully. (Jac-chan: Is she gonna ruin the story?) She handed them two pills with skulls on them.

Karin and Yuzu looked at the pills, then looked back up at Pig-chan. Pig-chan was nowhere to be seen. They looked skeptically at the pills, then tossed them in their mouths. Instantly, they felt extremely hungry. They wolfed down all the food _**Orihime**_ prepared for them, including the 'tea'.

~*TIME SKIP (next period)*~

Karin POV

I feel very dizzy. The food makes my stomach hurt. I glanced over at the teacher. Her head suddenly swelled up and exploded.

I rubbed my eyes.

Now, her head turned into a fish head. The whole classroom looked like a desert (probably Las Noches). Everyone looked like they had cakes for heads. Was this those pills Pig-chan gave us, or the food? I really couldn't tell. Too dizzy.

Yuzu POV

I giggled. The room was filled with that one kid. The one with Bostov. I laughed out loud. That one kid up front (teacher) looked at me.

"Kurosaki-san?"

"Haiiiiii!" both me and the kid next to me sang.

"Are you okay? Did you eat anything bad? Anything overdue?"

"Nope! Just dizzy!" we both said.

"Go to the infirmary just in case!"

Me and that one kid got up and fell down. We walked towards the door like drunkards. Everyone pulled out bananas and started recording us. We giggled again, posing like famous actresses.

Karin POV

After the fish heads, Toshiro was everywhere! Except this time, he had either male or female bodies. He was taller, much taller from when I last saw him. I bet he hasn't grown at all.

Normal POV

They slowly made their way into the infirmary, bumping into everyone in the halls. They laughed and giggled outside other classes doors. People in the hallways grabbed their phones and started taking pictures. The newspaper club put their pictures on the front cover. They even managed to interview them before they go to the infirmary. It went like this:

"What did you eat?"

"Orihime-san's cooking."

"Who is she?"

"Nii-san's fiancé."

"Who's your brother?"

"Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Did it taste good?"

"Nope! Tasted like bullshit that got run over by a donkey's ass! Then rolled in mud and dirt and fly guts. "

That was all they managed to get until both Yuzu and Karin collapsed in the hallway. A teacher that happened to pass by them took them to the infirmary, where they await the arrival of their older brother, Ichigo.

Karin POV

I don't think I can show my face at school anymore. The newspaper club interviewed me and Yuzu. People I can blame:

Ichigo: for getting married to the woman that can't cook barf.

Orihime: for not taking proper cooking lessons they offered in college.

Pig-chan: she wrote about us being tortured like this.

Yuzu: for not waking early. She didn't make our lunch.

Yuzu POV

I'm soooooo embarrassed! I can't believe the newspaper club guys interviewed us! Where's Bostov when you need him? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

Karin POV

She made dinner. Again. I think I'll pass. I have another headache. Well, later! (if we survive any longer).

*The asterisks*

When encasing a phrase, it's an action.

When I entered the kitchen, **the host club was waiting for me*.** : it was on impulse. That's what some people say when they first encounter the host club. Except it's in music room 3, not the kitchen. I suggest you read it, unless you hate reverse harems. And sexual harassment.

itekimasu!* : I think that's how you spell it. It means I'm leaving, or something like that. Use a translator or something cuz I am STUPID! XD

Jac-chan: so THAT'S where you went!

Pig-chan: yeah *sweat-drops*

Jac-chan: I am SOOOO PISSED!

Pig-chan: I'm sorry! I'm so-

Jac-chan: THAT YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME WITH YOU!

Pig-chan: Maybe next time!

Jac-chan: Please review! We want to know what we can improve on. We accept criticism, compliments, comments, suggestions, and virtual cookies/pocky (not infected with viruses)!

Pig-chan: we apologize for any racism (I was just describing! Jeez, get over it already! I'm asian too!), bashing (not really, well, maybe…), and OOCness!

Jac-chan: You STILL talk to much, you know that!

Pig-chan: plus…uhhh…Oh yeah! Thanks for reading! Review! Or we won't continue!

Jac-chan: she will anyways. She loves torturing them too much. BYE BYE!


	4. Chapter 4 Eat the Cake

Chapter 4: Eat the Cake, Don't Eat the Cake. DON'T EAT THE CAKE!

Disclaimer: Stupid disclaimer…WE DON'T OWN BLEACH. It belongs to Tite Kubo, who is awesome for making it.

Side note: DO NOT TRY THESE RECIPES. THEY COULD POTENTIALLY HARM/KILL YOU. ONLY ORIHIME CAN EAT THIS AND SURVIVE. THE EFFECTS AND SIDE EFFECTS THAT HAPPEN IN THIS STORY DO NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Pig-chan: Two in one day! Yes! Please congratulate me!

Jac-chan: Shut up nee-chan! Great, now you're out of ideas!

Pig-chan: Oh…well, the people will review? Right? Right? Come on, please! Jac-chan has absolutely no imagination! It was all my idea!

Jac-chan: Whatever. Get on with the story already.

Pig-chan: Who's awesome? ME!

Orihime POV (how rare…)

I think I'm going to make a cake today! I don't know why, I just feel like it. Maybe Karin-chan and Yuzu-chan are going to try it out for me! (distant sneezing and shivers are heard*). Now I need to get flour, sugar, eggs, peanuts, egg shells, hot sauce, vinegar, olive oil, salt, chocolate, and smashed coconut shells. We have milk (A/N Pig-chan: beware the milk…it was chunky from last chapterrrrrr…*get's whacked by Jac-chan*) and I think we have enough broccoli. Hey! On the shelf, there's this thing called 'poison' (she pronounced it poh-ee-zon). I'll use this in the cake! This will be yummy! I wonder if Kurosaki-kun wants some. (more sneezing and shivers heard.)

Karin POV

I just felt shivers down my spine. And then I sneezed. Not good. Either 1) I have a cold, or 2) someone said something about me. Be on your toes, Karin, be on your toes.

Yuzu POV

I sneezed and shivered. It can't be anything bad. I think I have a cold. I heard a voice in my head, "How naïve, I mean seriously, she STILL trusts that _**woman**_."

"Shut up already, nee-chan!"

I ignored those voices and continued with my homework. I was out being 'crazy' on Friday so I didn't get any work done. Both Karin and I were called out sick. Ichigo had to come and take us home. We had severe headaches afterward. We had dinner, where we ate "Special Curry".

Karin POV

Continuing on with the "Special Curry" dinner, there was nothing _**special**_ about it. Maybe abusive, but not special. I cannot believe she would put **saw dust** in curry. For the love of God, you do NOT put saw dust in curry. NONE of it was edible. I just skipped dinner after that. When will that _**woman**_ leave? I refuse to say her name, like I said, I swear there are evil glints in her eyes when she makes food.

That's it! Time for proper cooking lessons! YES!

Normal POV

The cake was out of the oven within 15 minutes. For some unknown reason, it held it's shape and didn't become batter. Final warning: STAY AWAY FROM DA CAKE!

Orihime POV (we are NOT enjoying this)

Now for the icing! I think I'll use glue, whipped cream, fruit juice, water, rice flour, and eggplants! (A/N /Pig-chan: I know you guys are beginning to hate this but I just want you guys to know that I am getting desperate. So that means I will use any unusual items. Also, BEWARE OF THE ICING!)

Hey! On the same shelf I got the 'poison' from I got 'rodent food poison' (pronounced roh-deent foh-od poh-ee-zon). I think it will make excellent toppings.

Normal POV

"Orihime-san?"

"Yes, Karin-chan?"

"I signed you up for cooking classes. Are you okay with that?" she looked at Orihime with puppy-dog eyes.

"Sure! Now I can broaden my horizons. Maybe I'll own a restaurant! Thanks Karin-chan!" Orihime looked like she would blow up (in happiness).

~*TIME SKIP (at dinner)*~

Ichigo POV

During dinner, Orihime announced that she would be taking cooking classes. I just sweat-dropped. If she was doing anything in those classes, she would be experimenting on the food, or looking out the window. I doubt she would learn anything in there, even though she is my fiancé. Whoever got her into those classes would surely regret it later.

Normal POV

After everyone was finished with dinner, Orihime brought out the cake. Everyone was hesitant, but slowly took a bite. At first they made ugly faces, then their eyes bulged out. Karin's face turned blue, Yuzu's face turned purple, Ichigo's face turned orange, and Isshin's face became a rainbow. The effects lasted about 7 hours. Orihime was unaffected and was happily munching on the cake.

Later that night Rukia snuck down for some cake. She was the only one, besides Orihime, who didn't turn color. Instead her face became a Chappy the Rabbit and her body became one of the other things (we'll leave it up to your imagination, if you want to). Her effects lasted 12 hours. When she transformed, she still looked like that.

Karin POV

Wow. That cake was disgusting. That tasted like…never mind. I can't think of anything to describe that. It was that bad. I'm still blue, but I found out that it became different shades of blue with my mood. Will food ever be normal for me again? I mean it. I don't want to suffer every time I eat something.

Yuzu POV

OMG! I'm purple! PURPLE! HOW COOL IS THAT! Even though the cake tasted bad I kinda wanted to be a different color. Not forever, though. Just for awhile. PUUUUURRPLEEEE!

Ichigo POV

Ha ha ha. Very funny, Writer-san. You thought that if you made me completely orange and wore green socks, I would be an upside-down carrot. Well you thought WRONG! I'm not wearing green socks! *Pig-chan zaps Ichigo's socks, turning them green*

WHAT THE HELL! I'm an upside-down carrot! DAMN YOU WRITER-SAN!

Karin POV

Well, good night I guess (not).

Pig-chan: Darn. He found me out. Oh well.

Jac-chan: ...Can cooking really do that to you?

Pig-chan: You didn't read the side note, did you?

Jac-chan: Nope, too lazy. Btw, your story is beginning to suck.

Pig-chan: I'm out of inspiration. Out of ideas. Remember, it's not planned.

Jac-chan: You put too much author notes.

Pig-chan: I'm trying to make it funny. Oh btw, I've been mentioning _**that kid**_ in previous chapters. It's obvious, but see if you can guess who it is. I apologize for any bashing, errors, or OOCness.

Jac-chan: Nee-chan, you should talk less. They'll get bored with you. Readers, if you have any complaints on this suckish story please complain! She lost her touch, give her something to work with! We accept complaints, comments, compliments, and ideas.

Pig-chan: *in a corner sobbing*

Jac-chan: it's okay…shhhhhh…REVIEW! BYE BYE!

Pig-chan: Nobody cares anymore…!


	5. Chapter 5 Muffins and Explosive Diarrhea

Chapter 5: Muffins and Explosive Diarrhea!

Disclaimer: …Still very annoying. We don't own Bleach. But, *laughs evilly* I own most of the stuff Orihime makes! !

Pig-chan: Yay! Four reviews! I will continue!

Jac-chan: Nee-chan talks too much. Thank you StarPrincess999, for reading our chapters!

Pig-chan: I feel happy! *dances around the room* my sister came up with this idea!

Jac-chan: Yes! Bask in my glory!

Pig-chan: Nuff said! ON WITH DA STORY!

Normal POV

Karin and Yuzu were out shopping. At home muffins were cooling on the counter while an exhausted Orihime was sleeping on the couch. A girl in shinigami robes enters the kitchen.

(A/N /Jac-chan: Where IS nee-chan? If she's in the story, I'm going with her!)

TWO girls entered the kitchen. One was a shinigami, the other was an arrancar. The shinigami had shoulder-length, black hair with 10 white streaks. She had blue eyes and stood about 5'2". The arrancar had pink hair hair (shoulder-length) with purple streaks. She had purple eyes and stood at 5'. (A/N: We know that shinigami and arrancars are supposed to kill each other on sight. Well, this is a fanfic so GET OVER IT! Thank you! :D)

"Nee-chan! Where should I put the laxatives?" the arrancar asked.

"Hmmm…crush them into powder then sprinkle it on the muffins. Heh heh heh…you asked for this Carrot-Top!" the shinigami smirked.

The arrancar did as told. "I think we need to add something else…"

"Oh! I got it!" the shinigami went over to Orihime and drew a mustache and monocle on Orihime. "Heh heh heh…don't go anywhere near Ichigo! Unless, you don't know what's good for you." (Don't ask where she got the permanent marker, she just had one.)

"Nee-chan, if you're going to do that, use a colored permanent marker. Sheesh." The arrancar handed the shinigami a packet full of colorful markers.

Ichigo entered the house. He suddenly became a shinigami, sensing two huge amounts of spiritual pressure in the kitchen.

"Ichigo! There's an arrancar and shinigami in the kitchen!" Rukia said.

They carefully peeked in the kitchen. They both witnessed the arrancar putting a suspicious powder on the muffins. The arrancar opened a pretty garganta. They both went through. Ichigo rubbed his eyes.

"Must be Orihime's cooking. Karin and Yuzu hallucinated when they ate her rice balls," Ichigo commented.

"Yeah, I ate her cake and it turned me into a Chappy. I wish I was Chappy for a bit longer, it was fun." Rukia said.

They went into the living room and saw Orihime. They burst out laughing. She looked like a mix of a guy with a mustache a monocle and a clown. They decided to keep her like that, seeing no harm. She was pretty easy-going and would probably say it looked good.

Karin and Yuzu came home, seeing Ichigo and Rukia laughing their guts out. They quickly put down the bags and ran over to look at Orihime. They, too, ended up laughing their guts out.

The arrancar and shinigami went into gigai's. They went up to the Kurosaki residence and knocked. They put on big grins when Ichigo opened the door.

"Hi! We're your new neighbors. I'm Liz, call me Pig-chan! I'm the older sister," the shinigami said. ( they look like their usual selves except in regular clothing, see description above)

"And I'm Jacqueline, but you can call me Jac-chan. I'm the calmer, younger sister," the arrancar said.

"What's THAT supposed to mean! Oh! By the way, we're transfer students from America. I think Karin and Yuzu know us." Pig-chan said.

"Can we join you for dinner? We wanna get to know you guys better," they both said.

Ichigo opened the door. "Come in."

"Yay!" They high-fived and went in.

~*TIME SKIP (around dinner)*~

Karin POV

Jac-chan and Yuzu set the table. I was making the food with Pig-chan, while Orihime put finishing touches on her muffins. She still had the marker on her face. Ichigo was standing at the doorway taking a phone call.

So Pig-chan's now my neighbor. Well, as long as she makes good food I won't complain. I decided to ask her a question.

"Pig-chan, what was in those pills you gave us?"

She looked at me then said, "It was a flour ball. Shouldn't harm a fly." She smiled.

"You said it wouldn't harm a fly. What about humans?" I asked.

"It just made you severely hungry. That's all. That would explain why you wolfed down the atrocious food. No damage." She grinned.

That was a relief. We sampled a bit of the food we made. It was really good.

I turned to her. "Can you make us lunch? Yuzu can't wake up early enough to make us lunch. I don't want to go into everyday hallucinations."

"Sure, if I'm around. Sometimes I go…places."

That worked.

Normal POV

We were eating dinner. The food was good, everyone ate all of it. Orihime presented her muffins to the group. Everyone except Pig-chan and Jac-chan ate the muffins. The muffins actually looked…normal. Too bad everyone let their guard down. After one bite they all rushed to the nearest bathroom. Except Orihime who was happily muching on her muffin. Pig-chan and Jac-chan tried to hide their laughter.

"Orihime-san? What did you put in the muffins?" Pig-chan asked.

"Thanks for asking! I put in flour, salt, ham, processed chicken, lemon juice, chalk, poison (pronounced just like last chapter), and very bitter chocolate. I think I also put in egg shells, pasta noodles, and spinach. And I think some brick paste*. I baked it for 5 minutes. It came out well."

"Wow. I don't think the white stuff on top is supposed to be there." Pig-chan said.

"It tastes great! Would you like some?"

Jac-chan and Pig-chan just sweat-dropped. Something was very, clearly wrong with her.

"Yeah. No thanks," They said at the same time.

Rukia snuck down for food. She ate some of the muffins leftover. When she took out a bite, she shrank down until she was 10 inches. She suddenly grew wings. She was like that, even when she was a shinigami. The effects lasted for 8 hours.

Karin POV

Did she seriously put LAXATIVES in them? What person in their right minds would put that on a muffin? Well, maybe for old people. Jeez, cooking classes are not doing any good.

Yuzu POV

I don't think I'll make it. Where is Bostov when you need him?

Ichigo POV

We should do take out. Period. I don't want to talk about it.

Normal POV

Distant boomings could be heard in the bathrooms. The stench? Smelled like foreign moldy cheese mixed with shit and barf. The cleaning? Left for hired maids. Their excuse? Nothing.

Jac-chan: It was fun messing with them. We should do it again.

Pig-chan: I feel really happy. I got to draw on her face! And got to meet Ichigo! Even though I like him lots, I like messing with him.

Jac-chan: Yeah. I'm happy now. I got my wanted hair color! (is not allowed to dye her hair or get highlights)

Pig-chan: We apologize for bashing (not really), OOCness, and torture (not really).

Jac-chan: Please review! We want to know what we can improve on. Comments, compliments, complaints, and ideas are acceptable!

Pig-chan: Yeah! I wanna continue on the torture! Bye bye!


	6. Chapter 6 Pancakes and Incurable Rashes

Chapter 6: Pancakes and Incurable Rashes

Disclaimer: omfg. I friggin' hate this. We don't own Bleach. Period. Got it? Good.

Pig-chan: sorry we took so long! You know how it is with school, and everything.

Jac-chan: please don't think that we gave up on the story, because we HAVEN'T! ^^

Pig-chan: We'd like to thank people who have favorited/reviewed this story! Thank you very much! Also, if you noticed stars in the previous chapter (chapter 5), I forgot to explain what it was so I'll do it here.

~*THE ASTERISKS*~

If it incased something, it was an action.

*Brick Paste-from chapter 5. Brick paste is not a real object. I was imagining it as bricks grinded into a fine powder. Then you add water and oil and other things to make it pasty (I'm only 13! Cut me some slack! I know nothing about the culinary world.)

Jac-chan: Now, to THE STORY!

Karin POV

It was a happy, quiet Saturday morning. I was sleeping in, like any sensible person would. I couldn't wait for tonight. Tonight they were going to show a new season of "Fabric Softener"*

Yuzu was out shopping with Pig-chan and Jac-chan. I was hoping for more shut-eye until I heard the signature scream "Kurosaki-kuuuuuuun!" The door slammed after that. Well, so much for my sleep. I kissed it good-bye.

I groaned, trying to get out of bed. It was an epic fail. I ended up crashing on the floor. The smell of something ominous hung in the air. I hate that woman. Especially since those cooking classes did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Nothing! She didn't even learn a damn thing!

~*TIME SKIP (after Karin does her morning routines [if she had any. Look, we're not stalkers. We don't look into the daily life of the kurosaki family and we certainly don't look into inoue's life. Notice how we don't want to mention her name. wow. What a long time skip XD])*~

The smell was overpowering. I think they're a thick fog covering the kitchen. In the midst of it, I could see a really busty figure, doing something near the stove. Unfortunately, the smoke detectors did not pick up anything. None, zip, zero, zilch, nada.

I quickly opened the windows, letting the smoke out. After the smoke cleared, Orihime came out of the kitchen holding a stack of pancakes. With lots of who-knows-what on them. Sadly, I was the only one at home with the woman.

"Karin-chan! Could you help me eat these? Kurosaki-kun had to go somewhere."

I vehemently shook my head.

"Please?"

And that was how I was tied up to a chair with food heavily shoved down my throat.

Ten minutes after the ordeal (me untied afterwards, of course) I began developing a rash. The really big rashes around my arms. They turned bright blue with red polka dots. I tried rubbing aloe vera lotion on it, but it wouldn't stop itching. And burning. Did I forget the burning?

Orihime looked at the rash and said, "You should go to your dad. Maybe he can do something."

Yeah right. Knowing him, he was going to dote on me saying, "My precious daughter! What happened?"

I went down anyways, I wanted a cure. I went down the stairs. My dad was in his study.

"Dad! Look at this!"

He glanced over at me. Then said," My precious daughter! What happened?" Blah, blah, blah. Yep. I knew it. He would be useless. Back to his ranting.

"I could send you to the hospital, but I don't want my precious daughter being probed by needles! Misaki! What should I dooooooooo!" Echo, echo, echo, echo. Nice sound effects, Dad.

He calmed down and calmly began his inspection on my arms. First he asked for symptoms.

"Itching and burning." Was all I said. Obviously, he could see the polka dots.

He asked if I had eaten anything unusual, which were the pancakes that Orihime had made.

He then told me to put ice on it and sit out for the whole day. He would check on me in 5 hours to see if it had gotten better. Or worse.

~*TIME SKIP*~

Yuzu POV

I returned after shopping with Pig-chan and Jac-chan. Who knew they had absolutely no sense of style?

(A/N /Pig-chan: She's right. We have no sense of style. We just wear what's comfortable. Which means [we're sorry if we offend you] no skinny jeans. Btw, Pig-chan is fattish [that's an exaggeration. She's fat, but not fat. Get it?)

We spent the whole afternoon trying on clothes, but to no avail. They hated absolutely everything at the mall. Except for anything baggy. I think we should do it more often. It was fun! Turns out they have a sufficient money source. Nothing illegal. Sorry, I got sidetracked. ANYWAYS, I came home and saw Karin on the couch, muttering darkly. Black aura surrounded the area where she sat.

I came up to her and saw why she was muttering. Her entire arm was polka dotted. And spreading!

"Dad! Karin's rash is spreading!"

He quickly ran back up the stairs and saw the rash rapidly moving towards her neck and shoulders. I guess the bags of ice did nothing.

"What did you eat?" I asked, nearly shouting.

"Food was shoved down my throat. You can venture a guess on who made it," she sounded really bitter.

"It was Orihime, wasn't it?" I asked really softly.

She nodded. Being a twin, although we're not identical*, I could sort of feel what she was feeling. She was in pain, but what caused it.

"Don't let her cook breakfast. She shoved it down my throat."

I ran over to Orihime.

"What was in your pancakes?"

She turned to look at me and said," I put in jalapenos peppers, vinegar, baking soda, flour, water, coffee, orange juice, eggs, egg shells, watermelon, rice flour, pinto beans, milk (still chunky from chapter 3), and oatmeal that was uncooked.

I gaped at her. She doesn't know how to cook, the poor thing! Maybe I could tutor her in cooking! (Remember, Yuzu's the nice one.)

Karin POV

This woman clearly does not know what you should really put in food. Since cooking class didn't help I think we should put her in an insane asylum. That might be torture for the people who work/live there, but only if they decide if she's the chef.

Ichigo POV

One day away from food was good! I spent the day killing hollows and performing konso on the souls. Makes me man feel like a man again, especially without someone who can't cook. Has anyone seen Rukia?

~*THE ASTERISKS (for this chapter)*~

If they encase something, then it was an action.

Fabric Softener*-it was a play-on of bleach. Do you get it? They are both about laundry things!

Although we're not identical*-like we said, we're not stalkers. We just assume that they are twins because we think they're the same age.

Pig-chan: Sorry it took so long! We would have updated earlier, but we had some musical problems, meaning our teacher wasn't here so we spent 45 minutes doing nothing. Well, more like I was cracking myself up, yelling at the clouds saying, "You don't scare me!" I got yelled at by my "Mother" who was actually my older brother. Jac-chan was laughing with me.

Jac-chan: We even had a spitting contest! I won, of course!

Pig-chan: Remember, we accept compliments, comments, complaints, and ideas!

Jac-chan: Once again, Nee-chan talks too much. We apologize if there is any bashing (not really), and OOCness (we do it just so it flows better)

Pig-chan: Yeah, whatever. Bye-bye!


	7. Chapter 7 Special

Chapter 7: Special!

Disclaimer: We don't own Bleach.

Pig-chan: Yes it's a special. Why? I don't know I just felt like it. Sorry we took so long but school is up and running.

Jac-chan: Thanks for anyone who reviewed/favorite this story.

Pig-chan: Don't hate me for this. I think I'm gonna end it, but not in this chapter. Just some time soon. You've all been great readers, but I get the feeling that this is just getting worse per chapter. If you do like this story and you want me to continue, just PM me or something, I just lost my motivation for awhile.

Jac-chan: On with the story!

* * *

Normal POV

The senkaimon opened. Ichigo and Orihime stepped out. They were there for two reasons: 1) Ichigo was going to discuss things with the head captain. 2) Orihime was there to have a bachelorette party with Rangiku and the other female shinigami. The two headed their separate ways.

Ichigo POV

I headed to the head captains quarters. He said we had to discuss some things. (A/N /Pig-chan: we will stop stalking ichigo. For now XD.)

Orihime POV

I arrived at the Squad 10 building. Ran-chan ran towards me.

"Orihime-chan! Let's party! We set up the place and all the of the Female Shinigami Association came!"

"Then let's go!" I dashed off with Ran-chan.

Normal POV

The two ran off into the building. Pig-chan was quietly following them. She was out of her gigai and in her shinigami uniform. She did not belong to a squad though.

Captain Hitsugaya was dragged against his will. He was tied up by his semi-drunk lieutenant. The sinking feeling in his stomach was growing by the minute. Suddenly, the door opened. The two strawberry blondes entered.

"Orihime-chan the kitchen is in here," Rangiku pointed towards the back, "Please make some of your delicious cooking!"

Everyone in the room looked really happy, except for Lil' Shiro. He grimaced at the memory of the first time he had eaten the evil woman's cooking. He couldn't eat, much less drink, anything for the entire month.

*~TIME SKIP*~

Everyone from the female shinigami association had lost their hair. They were screaming everywhere. The cause of the hair loss? The food. Fortunately, Lil' Shiro was wise enough to not eat the cooking, but Rangiku shoved some food into his mouth. So now, the white hair the captain of squad ten was so proud of, was balding. Or more accurately, he had bald spots.

* * *

Pig-chan: I'm so sorry this is so short. It's just that I don't know if I want to continue anymore. I have more ideas, but the hits per chapter is going down. Until then, I will try to post as much as I can.

Jac-chan: Damn emo…well, we accept comments, compliments, complaints, and whatever you have to throw at us.

Pig-chan: I AM NOT AN EMO!


	8. Chapter 8 The End

Final Chapter: The end

Disclaimer: We own Bleach, YAY! *gets hit senseless by Tite Kubo* No, we don't. So much for that.

Pig-chan: That's right. We decided to end it. It's not you guys, it's us. Well more like we were hoping for more reviews but I just lost my motivation.

Jac-chan: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. We'd like to thank StarPrincess999 for reviewing every chapter, no matter how much it sucked.

Pig-chan: I'm proud to announce that we had 900 something hits! Thanks so much!

Jac-chan: Now on to the final chapter. Oh btw this takes place shortly after our special.

* * *

Normal POV

Ichigo and Orihime had finished business in the Soul Society. They were heading through the senkaimon, each taking different gates. Orihime had to go to the one made specifically for humans. Ichigo had no trouble with it.

Far off in the distance, two figures stood. An arrancar and shinigami stood in the air, waiting for the right time.

_Flashback_

Rukia knocked on a door. It opened up revealing a young girl with black hair and white streaks.

"Pig-chan! I need you to do me a favor." Rukia got down on her knees.

Pig-chan looked surprised. "Why? I know you might be able to do it yourself. You are shinigami aren't you?"

Rukia was shocked. She had never told anyone she was shinigami. "I know you and your sister are not human. It seems that you are also shinigami and your sister is an arrancar." She blurted.

Pig-chan nodded. "Fine, but what do you want me to do?" Rukia grinned.

_End Flashback_

* * *

When Orihime entered the gate, she felt two people with her. She turned around and saw two people: an arrancar and a shinigami. She knew she was going to be rescued again. Fat chance that was going to happen.

The shinigami spoke first. "We have orders from Lord Ulquiorra* to take you away from Ichigo. You are to come with us-"

"Or we will resort to violence. There is no one here to help you," the arrancar finished.

Déjà vu, thought Orihime. Orihime willingly followed. They took her to Hueco Mundo, land of no water (A/N /Pig-chan: I really don't know how Aizen made tea. Maybe he used waters of soul reaper kind.) The two abruptly left her to her own devices. She remembered the building so she went her way into the meeting room.

In the meeting room sat Ulquiorra. He was sitting on the throne Aizen usually sat on.

"Orihime, welcome back to Hueco Mundo. Instead of being here for your powers, you will stay with me. Ever since I disintegrated and learned the meaning of heart, I loved you. I was brought back to Hueco Mundo after I died."

Orihime was speechless, which was a first. She, too, had liked him. She did like Ichigo, but she was still scared of his hollow self.

~*TIME SKIP*~

Ichigo's POV

Orihime never showed up. I guess I didn't want to marry her, she made Karin and Yuzu suffer. When I got home, I notified Rukia. Rukia only shrugged and suggested we not look for her. Instead we started dating.

Pig-chan POV

*rinse, gurgle, brush, rinse, gurgle, brush* I can't believe I said LORD Ulquiorra! I mean I wanted to help Rukia, but she HAD to make me go that far? Ick.

Rukia POV

Thanks so much, Pig-chan! Jac-chan! I will pay you back someday. Me and Ichigo are dating now. I'm so happy! We plan on getting married next year. I'm sure wherever Orihime is, she'll be happy.

* * *

~*THE ASTERISKS*~

When they encase something, it's an action.

Lord Ulquiorra*-Yeah, we brought him back from the dead. Considering he IS dead. He was here for the purpose of re-kidnapping Orihime.

Pig-chan: And that's how it ends! I plan on making an omake, or side story.

Jac-chan: Thanks for anyone who read this and reviewed. We accept complaints, comments, compliments, and cookies. Please read our other stories. We hope ya liked it!

Pig-chan: Bye bye! Sayonara! And much more!


	9. Chapter 9 Omake

Chapter 10: Omake

* * *

Pig-chan: Ichigo~! Do the disclaimer!

Ichigo: Hell no!

Pig-chan: Please?

Jac-chan: We'll pay you.

Ichigo: Fine! Pig-chan and Jac-chan don't own Bleach. Or me.

Pig-chan: Yay! Thanks! Also thanks for anyone who has read this story! We got like 1,000 hits! That makes me so happy!

Jac-chan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, on with the omake.

Ichigo: Aren't you guys going to pay me?

Pig-chan: Yeah here! *hands him a penny*

* * *

Normal POV

After Rukia begged Pig-chan and Jac-chan for help, she immediately hooked up with Ichigo. Ichigo, not really caring where Orihime went. He could sort of feel her spiritual pressure somewhere.

Rukia POV

Thank you so much! I still have to owe Pig-chan and Jac-chan, but since they're nice girls, I'm sure I won't have to do much.

Pig-chan POV

I shivered. Did someone just call me NICE? There is something wrong with that statement. Now, to think of something to do…

* * *

~*TO HUECO MUNDO!*~

Orihime was completely and totally happy. Ulquiorra treated her way better than Ichigo did, and he actually ATE her cooking. (Well, she kinda forgot the fact that Ulquiorra has a hole in his throat. So we instantly assume that when he eats, it goes out his throat. Yeah, we're demented like that.) No one rescued Orihime and she was happy in Hueco Mundo.

~*BACK TO THE WORLD OF THE LIVING*~

Rukia stood in front of Pig-chan's and Jac-chan's house. She rang the doorbell.

"Hello? Oh Rukia! Come in!" Pig-chan said.

Jac-chan came in. "Rukia, you owe us a favor. Could you help us pack up?"

Rukia blinked. "Wait, you guys are MOVING? I can't believe it! You guys just helped me and now you're leaving?"

Pig-chan looked apologetic. "Well, we are just plot devices. We've got to go. I'm sorry Rukia, but I hope you're happy with Ichigo."

They packed in silence. Rukia and Pig-chan started bawling. Jac-chan just rolled her eyes and continued packing. An hour later, they went into town to eat and hang out before the mover's truck came.

Rukia waved as Pig-chan and Jac-chan departed Karakura.

All's well that ends well. The end.

* * *

Pig-chan: Thanks to everyone who read this. You've made me so happy! *breaks down into happy sobs*

Jac-chan: We accept the usual. Thanks again to StarPrincess999 for reviewing all the chapters.

Pig-chan: Yeah, you kept us going! Well we have other stories so check them out. Remember to review so we know what we need to fix or things like that. Thanks!


End file.
